We Used to Talk take 2

I couldn't sleep
Every time I closed my eyes I remembered
How you used to call me.  And we'd talk until the sun rose.
And I felt a longing for that feeling of being close, no matter how distant
And my bed felt like a frozen desert that stretched for miles with no sign of water,
Because a heart in pain is not a fountain one should drink from.
And I missed the past, knowing full well that the moments I wished to erase from my soul were my most important lessons.
And I feared the future.  Because the future felt like a force pushing the gap wider still; but that is only one possibility.
And all the love within me knew that you are a part of it, whatever it may be, and wrapped that knowledge around me in a blanket that burned warmer than any fire of my fear ever could.
But I still couldn't sleep,
As I watched the sky lighten and remembered how we used to talk until the sun lit the sky on fire.

Pardon the delay . . .

To the one person who (I think) keeps up with my dear little blog,
I have been moving into my college dorm and getting settled into a routine.  I start my semester-long poetry workshop today, so hopefully I will be posting some more quality posts more frequently.  Yah, even I know that last few have been crapola.  So here's to shelling out ridiculous amounts of money for a quality education! 
Luvs!

etc. on love:

Love is not a feeling I'm completely
comfortable with
yet
I may not get the chance for the
feeling to sink into my jaded, aging
skin
We are too young
Fact
We are in love
Debatable, as there is no
comparable or universal definition of the term
And this stream of consciousness is completely one sided
We care about the state of each other's hearts, even though we both are aware that the heart is not the seat of emotion
That much I am comfortable stating
But there is not much else I can say with impunity
Should I let myself love someone who may never forgive my errors of inexperience?
Should I let anyone love me, when the probability is that I will hurt them and leave them wanting?
Let anyone love me
I have no control over that save running and blatant sabotage


To love
Is to obtain total relaxation with my partner,
And surrender a portion of my heart with which they may do as they wish.
Is there heart left for me to give away while maintaining a strong enough beat to sustain me alone?
I cannot give too much
I do not want to be left stranded on the side of the road when I prove myself to be a faulty model
with holes in her software.


But this
This is all fear
And there can be no love where fear
makes the laws and constructs the moats and walls
Because to give someone access to your soul requires total vulnerability.
I am nowhere near that brave.

Around You . . .

Around you
I feel beautiful and valued,
understood, almost
Around you
I feel small and young, uncultured
and undereducated
My past both forgiven (but not quite) and painfully apparent

The mere fact:
that I cry when something you say
hurts
or
makes me feel. sad.
doesn't mean you are wrong for me.
In fact.
It means that you
are one of the few people I feel
safe
around.
If I didn't feel safe with you,
you would never know anything was
wrong
until. I snapped.

I dreamed that my very skin was dead
And when I cut into it
It crumbled
like stale fondant off an unused wedding cake
Leaving nothing but dust
and empty space