Racing

I’m up far too late/early

Again

But from the sound of it

So is everyone else

There’s a truck that rumbles past my window

Every night/morning at 2am

Again at 2:30 or 3

If he’s feeling like doing something different

I keep having these dreams that I’m driving

Something solid and rumbling

I’m racing

Going as fast as I can with the stereo blasting

More alive than anything or anyone can make me feel

I am not a racecar driver

Unless you count the way I speed

Through the rush hour on 580

My greatest foe is a prius

Every time I see sexy man in a fast car

I get this urge to pretend my Honda is an Aston Martin

I am not a racecar driver

But I want to be

When I have more time, I say

When I’m not in school, I say

When I’m cooler or prettier or better

I say

I will be the fastest blur that has ever blown your skirt up

A Meditation on Being Empty

My bed is cold and empty

My womb is dry and empty

My heart is full and empty

My throat is raw and empty

My closet is black and empty

My home is gone and empty

My life is promise and empty

My soul is just

Empty

The Idea of You

The idea of you intoxicates me

The idea of you

I could fall in love with that

I could fall in love with the actual you as well

(You with the intelligent eyes and the softest dreads I’ve ever felt)

If you call me back, that is

I can fall in love with the way you feel

Pressed against my back

Leading my hips to the electric pulse

While that (I think) was not your obvious intention

Do you regret giving me reason to love you?

Do you regret running your hands down my arms 

grasping my fingers in yours?

I have an idea of you

And I think I love it

At least, I think I like it

Even though you never called

Or texted

I think the real you might be a bit of an ass

Fear

And the moment I let fear out of my life was the moment I had to let you out of my life. You were the wall that had kept fear away. Once I no longer feared, your original purpose was fulfilled and you became fearful. And you were the fear and I could not let you in, not after I had just let you out. I am free and I have let go of fear. If love is letting go of fear, then love is letting go of you.  

Migraines

Migraines

Caused by alternating between vanity and

The purest form of self-loathing

The kind that cracks mirrors and

Eats entire cakes

It’s like rapid cycling bipolar self-opinion

That pulls your pants down in front of the entire class

For a second you enjoy the attention until

You realize what just happened

The scariest phrase in the entire world is:

Guess what you did last night?

No guesses

Just tell it to me straight

Was it a

Cry in the corner about how my life sucks

Night

Or an

I’m going to accept the attentions of anyone who calls me beautiful

Night

Or a

Fuck yes I am beautiful and need no one to tell me so

Night?

Relationships and countries have fallen apart under less hate

Than I heap upon my flabby form as I lie in bed wondering

Why the only men who hit on me are

Dudes that bear a more than passing resemblance to Chewbacca

All I want is Vin Diesel with a PhD but I’ll settle

For a Viking warlord who vacuums and

Isn’t afraid of the power packed behind my forehead

The doctors tell me the

White lights spitting pain focused agony

Have been brought on by stress

The doctors tell me I’m

Overweight depressed alone because

There are too many stressors in my life

If it was as simple as telling myself to not be stressed

I would have separated my mind from my body and

Dumped one or both in a lake

Years ago

tired

these nightmares make me 

tired because I cannot sleep

every night I am

trapped in my own 

clutching at stumbling memories

stuck in the past inside

drunken skin

wondering what the hell

is happening and not wanting to 

know because part of me does 

know and it makes me want to puke

I am too drunk to say no

society is so drunk that it 

says that if a woman can barely

walk than you should bend her

over in a bathroom stall

and give her nightmares

so she will be too

tired to resist

My rapist

my rapist does not know he’s a rapist

he does not know 

He still gives me nightmares.

he does not know that 

I try to pretend 

It never happened.

my rapist thinks 

he’s my friend

he pestered and pestered until 

I let him.

give me alcohol and 

say he could sleep on my floor

I did not sleep all night.

I kicked him out early

he was angry

my rapist does not know that 

I don’t remember anything.

except pain and being afraid

my rapist probably thought that 

my moans were of pleasure and not of 

skin being torn and

blood being spilled

my rapist does not know that 

I am terrified of him.

he calls me and tries to get me drunk

he makes me very good at lying

about why I’m busy or out of town

my rapist talks to me on facebook and

hangs out with my friends

I don’t hang out with those people anymore

I got very good at 

testing myself on how normal I could 

act

my rapist does not know

He is a rapist.